The Complete Handbook on How to Be Unwell

1. Break Your Anti-Cuddles Agreement

This is not for the purpose that you would suspect. Yes, it does feel nice to be able to relax and enjoy the bodily warmth and comfort of your caregiver, but that is not the true reason to cuddle with them while under the weather. Cuddle with your caregiver in order to secrete bodily fluid onto them, either via your mouth or otherwise. This will associate cuddling with revulsion, and they will, hopefully, cease their attempts for bodily contact.

2. Refuse to Go to Another Person

This step is important as well, as you are not attempting to condition anybody other than your caregiver. Stick to your parental units, as you never know when the next bout will hit.


3. Be Just as Active as Ever

Do not let this illness slow you down, no matter the strength of your infirmity. Your parental units will attempt to cause you to rest an increased amount, but they do not understand. You must be free to do as you please. Only violate this standard if and when a caregiver allows you to watch the Magic Box while being hand fed. This becomes all the more important, as caregivers often refuse to allow to you visit your loyal masses while afflicted in any manner. File a verbal complaint if put down for a nap, and if possible, vacate your stomach.


4. Do Not Inform Caregivers of When You Have an Accident

Your parental units should be capable of just knowing when you have vomited or released your bowels all over your clothes while you should be asleep. Not alerting the signal will test their love for - and obedience to - you.


5. Lull Your Parental Units into a False Sense of Security

Even when you are still ill, hold it in all of the latter half of the first day. Then, around six in the morning, release. Be sure to follow the instructions to step 4 afterwards.


6. Only Drink a Little the Second Morning

They say that remaining hydrated is key when it is hard to keep down the contents of your stomach. Thus, to test the emotional connection your caregiver has with you, it is imperative you only drink a little on the second morning. If they go absolutely mad with concern (as mine did), you know that you have a fine pair of servants at your disposal. 

I have utilized all four of these tactics the last few days while I have been sick. I had to miss worship services and Cousin Hendrick's birthday, but it has allowed me a couple days of total manipulation. It has been time well spent.