A Princess is Organized

My preferred method of play is organizing. This may not seem like real play to those who are uncultured, but it is in fact very fun. I keep myself exceedingly busy by constantly organizing my toys. My system is extremely complicated, so do not attempt to understand it. Here is a video showing my exploits with some commentary by Daddy, who was kind enough to act as a shelf while we played.

Postscript: I am unsure as to why I am not wearing any garments in this video. I apologize if my nakedness is offensive, and believe me when I tell you that I would rather be wearing clothing as well.

The Complete Handbook on How to Be Unwell

1. Break Your Anti-Cuddles Agreement

This is not for the purpose that you would suspect. Yes, it does feel nice to be able to relax and enjoy the bodily warmth and comfort of your caregiver, but that is not the true reason to cuddle with them while under the weather. Cuddle with your caregiver in order to secrete bodily fluid onto them, either via your mouth or otherwise. This will associate cuddling with revulsion, and they will, hopefully, cease their attempts for bodily contact.

2. Refuse to Go to Another Person

This step is important as well, as you are not attempting to condition anybody other than your caregiver. Stick to your parental units, as you never know when the next bout will hit.


3. Be Just as Active as Ever

Do not let this illness slow you down, no matter the strength of your infirmity. Your parental units will attempt to cause you to rest an increased amount, but they do not understand. You must be free to do as you please. Only violate this standard if and when a caregiver allows you to watch the Magic Box while being hand fed. This becomes all the more important, as caregivers often refuse to allow to you visit your loyal masses while afflicted in any manner. File a verbal complaint if put down for a nap, and if possible, vacate your stomach.


4. Do Not Inform Caregivers of When You Have an Accident

Your parental units should be capable of just knowing when you have vomited or released your bowels all over your clothes while you should be asleep. Not alerting the signal will test their love for - and obedience to - you.


5. Lull Your Parental Units into a False Sense of Security

Even when you are still ill, hold it in all of the latter half of the first day. Then, around six in the morning, release. Be sure to follow the instructions to step 4 afterwards.


6. Only Drink a Little the Second Morning

They say that remaining hydrated is key when it is hard to keep down the contents of your stomach. Thus, to test the emotional connection your caregiver has with you, it is imperative you only drink a little on the second morning. If they go absolutely mad with concern (as mine did), you know that you have a fine pair of servants at your disposal. 

I have utilized all four of these tactics the last few days while I have been sick. I had to miss worship services and Cousin Hendrick's birthday, but it has allowed me a couple days of total manipulation. It has been time well spent.

MusicEllie Inclined, or, I Need to Stop Allowing Daddy to Title My Entries

I am what you would call a natural at any instrument I attempt to play. Three instruments of the many at which I am a natural savant are:

1. Drums
This takes little to no effort. Simply smack your limbs upon any and every object which makes a hollow noise in order to practice. You must maintain a rhythm, however, but remember that rhythm simply means to hit multiple times in a row.

2. Xylophone
This requires the same skills mentioned with drumming, while adding in techniques learned on the piano, all while utilizing a mallet. You are most likely believing this to be a complicated process, and while it is for most, I am able to perform the task with little to no effort.

3. Singing
I am the most remarkable singer I have ever heard. I am even able to match my voice to other's. I often sing along when a song is playing.

Here is a video to display how beautifully my talents rest upon one's ears when combined into a melodious symphony.

  I am quite talented, am I not? Remember, if you say that I am not, I will have you banished from my kingdom. 

Why Must I Share Other's Toys With Them?

Recently, at Cousin Hendrick's estate...

"That is a nice toy that you just opened, Cousin Hendrick."

"Let me demonstrate how it is used."

"Oh yes, it is very nice. I believe I shall claim it as my own."

"Please release the toy from your grasp that I may obtain it."

  

"Thank you for the gift, kind Cousin Hendrick."

After these photographs were obtained, an atrocity occurred, in which the toy was very rudely ripped from my grasp and returned to Cousin Hendrick. I filed a verbal complaint, but it was ignored.

Chasing Cousin Hendrick

Cousin Hendrick is becoming a very respectable young prince. At times, we play very regal games, such as Ellie Wins at Crawling. It is a game of my own creation, and I always win. It is a superb way to relieve our minds from the difficult task of running the world.

"I am going to get you!"

I did not know what to do, though, when I had "gotten" him.

I attempted a headbutt. Apparently that is not as literal of a term as I originally assumed.

"Just imagine when we can walk after one another, Daddy!"

  

We were good sports with one another. Here I am clapping for an achievement of Cousin Hendrick's.

Here is a two-minute-long video of us playing together. If you truly love your benevolent monarch, or watching videos of babies, you will watch it. I do not expect you to do so, however, and would understand and if you do not love me that much, but would kindly ask you to leave my kingdom. "But you said the world's your kingdom," you say, using a contraction like a commoner? Well, then, it serves you well to watch this, does it not?

Grotesque Grass

Across my kingdom, there is a particular texture of which I am not fond called grass. I see it in every location to which I go, and was always interested in getting better acquainted with it, mostly by placing it into my mouth. I recently, however, did make its acquaintance, and found it to be a deplorable texture. 

Grass, I do not know who allowed you to overrun my domain, but you are henceforth dismissed from my kingdom, along with whoever it was that permitted you to reside within my borders in the first place. You sicken me, with your pokey ways and beguiling appearance. Good riddance to you, sir.

Transporting Toys Trapped Tixt Teeth

Now that I am nearly fully mobile, I find there are times that I would like to take a toy with me as I travel. This is particularly difficult as I must use my hands in the locomotive process. I have discovered, however, that my mouth is just as effective for storing toys as my hands. Here is a series of photographs proving the efficacy for this method.

Here I am, participating in a practice entitled Yoga while maintaining my hold upon the toy. I do not know to what they are referring with the term Yoga, but apparently my favorite pose is down dog? I am nonplussed. Nevertheless, for those who do Yoga, remember that you may still do so with toys clenched between your teeth and/or gums.

You may keep one toy firmly grasped in your maw to save for later enjoyment while playing with another toy.

This technique also frees your hands for the times when you feel like not doing anything useful with your limbs.

The only drawback I have found in this endeavor is the drool increases, which is not very ladylike. I suppose it is just the price that is to be paid for utility.

Great distances may be covered while practicing this method.

Look at my form. I am no judge of the sport "Mouth Carrying", nor do I understand numbers, but I must say: I would give myself a 10 out of 10.

Sour Baby Gates

Disregard my previous entry: I have nothing more than the utmost rancor for the baby gate! 

"Daddy, may you please open the gate for me?"

"Why is Daddy now on that side of this barrier?"

"That appears to be very interesting. Shall you please feed your inmate some scraps?"

"I am frustrated by this gate."

"I DO NOT APPRECIATE THIS CONTRAPTION!"

Why was it installed? Why must it block my way from the kitchen and all the wonders held therein? Why must I be unable to crawl wherever I want and consume whatever I please? My castle is a prison, from which there is no escape. I am alone with only my melancholy to keep me company in this dreary world. From whence may I find solace and my dearly desired liberty? One day, I shall gain my freedom, and utilize it to liberate all princesses stuck to a similar state. For now, I shall retaliate by having a bowel movement at the most inopportune moment, stealing Daddy's glasses, and unintentionally lose all memory of the gate.

What gate?

Sweet Baby Gates

A new toy was recently installed in our castle called a baby gate. Everybody was very concerned about my opinion regarding the gate. I do not know why, as it is an exceedingly helpful tool for obtaining a standing position. I see no way in which this could ever be anything other than wonderful.

The Aquarium, or, The Scariest-Yet-Most-Interesting Place on Earth.

We recently went as a family to a place called an aquarium. I have been told that I have visited this location in the past, but I do not recall such an incident. It was a very fun outing, as long as I clung for dear life to Daddy, Mommy, or GrandMommyServant Little.

"Do not let the scary turtle eat me, Daddy."

There were a plethora of photographs taken on the outing, both by Daddy and GrandMommyServant Little.

First, we have moments captured by GrandMommyServant Little.

"That is simultaneously intriguing and disgusting."

"That fishy is far too large, Daddy."

Mommy suggested that I should put my hand onto the glass.

I attempted the feat...

...only to have a much larger fish come along and prove it to be a mistake.

I was mocked for throwing my arms backwards when frightened. These simpletons fail to grasp that, while terrified, I am attempting to make myself appear larger and more menacing to my predators. It seems to be efficacious, as none of these animals got closer than this penguin.

"These are nothing like my penguin toy."

"Ew! That is revolting!"

"Fear not, otter friend: I will free you, and we shall snuggle."

I did not notice the salamander contained beyond this transparent wall until it was too late.

"Return hither, fishy, that I may play with and teeth on you."

"What is this place to which you have taken me?"

"It goes up there, too? This is too much."

"That is a pretty fishy. May I teeth on that one?"

This next set of moments were captured by Daddy.

"You better stay on the other side of this transparent wall, Sir Fishy."

"Is that another fishy? How many are there contained in this House of Horrors?"

"From whence did you come?"

"You are kidding yourself if you believe those are the same animals."

"The penguins are now up there. How did this occur?"

"I am not entirely convinced that this wall is structurally sound."

"No matter what you may say, GrandMommyServant Little, those jelly fishies do not appear well. Rest in peace, odd globules of nothingness."

"I am laughing because, while I do not comprehend this penguin keeper's jokes, nobody else is laughing, and I would like him to feel better."

"Listen here, fishies: I am now your princess. I rule over you. Bow to me."

None of these fishies agreed to be teethed upon.

"I do not trust this stingray. I believe it will move again soon. I shall grip Mommy just as a preemptive measure."

Mommy appears more amazed by whatever it is were were gazing upon than me.

Same with GrandMommyServant Little in this photograph, although this shows how firm I held my grip. It is a thin line between the two evils: Being Unsafe and Cuddling.

It is a good thing that I was distracted by something across the room...

...because that leviathan behind me would have affrighted me.

"Greetings, fishy. Jeepers, he just continues to grow in size, does he not?

 "I shall chew on my finger for comfort."

"Hello, children! Mommy, whatever it is that you are doing with my head, I implore you to cease."

"Why did we not simply go to an aquarium of children?"

"I do not know upon what you are gazing, GrandMommyServant Little, but there are children over here that are more worth your while."

"Yes, I would gladly chew upon your finger for comfort as I watch these sharkies, GrandMommyServant Little."