The Rest of the GrandServants' Stay

It has come to my attention that the servants we refer to as Grandma and Grandpa Little are not staying forever. This is most unfortunate. 

"They're not staying forever?? Noooo!"

I am sure not all is lost, however, these servants will most likely be replaced by others. It is disappointing, though, as I was fairly fond of these ones.

"Can we at least keep this one, Daddy? He's quite adequate."

I told you about the first part of my Thanksgiving Day, but the rest of the day had some exciting moments as well. For example, I had the opportunity to watch everyone eat from a sufficient vantage point. 

Mommy made the table look really nice.

I even got a cute name tag for my setting at the table.

"Thank you for the toy! Look, it even has my name on it! That must mean I am free to slobber on it all I want."

The servants were so excited to sit at the same table with royalty that they wanted pictures with me. I obliged.

My family also finally got their act together with my meals and fed me at the dinner table exactly what they were having. I have had sweet potatoes before, but this was sweet potatoes and something called turkey. I ate until my sufficiency was fanciful.

"There is no need to make those funny noises this time, Mommy, I will gladly open my mouth for this delicacy."

"I, Eleanor, Princess of Quite-A-Lot, proclaim all meals from henceforth to be considered Thanksgiving Dinner."

We spent all of the next day shopping. I quite enjoy shopping. Shopping, for all of those who are unaware, is when I am taken out in public to be adored by my citizens and for me to survey my kingdom. I see very little difference between this and all of my other excursions, except the fact that there are more toys which my parents ignorantly refuse to let me munch on.

Yesterday we went to my Aunt Patti's castle. She had a very well-decorated residence.

"We shall obtain this decoration, and this decoration, and do not forget to fetch me this toy...I mean to say decoration."

I was well-loved by everyone there.

"I like this Aunt Patti, may we bring her home as my servant?"

I was fed Thanksgiving Dinner yet again, which was, as always, delectable. They had mistakenly missed feeding me Thanksgiving Dinner the night previously, but that is okay, I only punished them slightly by proclaiming my displeasure with them in public during the Worship Service today.

Speaking of the Worship Service, I was given a new dress to wear today. It was delightful. After we returned home, I was given a funny conical red hat to wear along with it.

"I love this dress but, seriously, whats with this hat?? BAHA!"

 Now Grandpa and I are watching this silly movie called White Christmas.

"Grandpa, why are those men dressed up like women? And how did they get girl voices?"

My grandparents only have one more full day beyond this, and then they will be gone. Tonight my cousin Hendrick is visiting. I look forward to laughing at him some more like last time.

Things for Which This Almost-7-Month-Old is Thankful

"Thank you for this bottle of water that is impossible to work properly!"

I have been informed that today is a day specifically set aside for giving thanks, whatever that it is. 

 Grandma explaining Thanksgiving and the concept of "thanks" to me.

"You people actually believe this stuff?"

Apparently thanks is being happy for everything I have been given. This day seems pointless, as I am happy for what I have been given everyday; I just expect more. This seems to be the spirit of the holiday, as my grandma is looking through a lot of oddly flexible books of things she is wanting to buy tomorrow. So here is a list of things for which I am thankful, but could be improved.

1. My parents. They are some of the best toys, they tickle me, feed me food, carry me around, and their hands are amazing to watch as they dangle them above my head, but they objectionably refuse to allow me to stick their fingers in my mouth when I want them to do so. I now have at least two odd, hard growths protruding from my gums, and it hurts to bite down on my own fingers. They give me all sorts of other things I can munch on, but they will not oblige to insert their fingers into my mouth when I grab them and attempt to shove them in. They are so inconsiderate.

2. My parents also recently obtained my grandparents as permanent servants for our castle.

"Are you going to stay as my servants?"

"Thank you for the servants, Mommy!"

This is a wonderful addition, but I would greatly appreciate more servants.

3. I am also thankful for my toys. This can be improved in two ways. First, they can stop this charade that everything in this world is not my toy and let me play with shoes, remotes, phones, keys, soiled diapers, plates, and tablecloths. They try to act all pretentious as if these things are too good for me. I try to return the favor by stealing their precious belongings and shoving them in my mouth but their superior range of motion and reach makes it difficult for this lesson to stick. So it is that the other way in which they may make my thanks greater when it comes to toys is by getting me more that they would not mind me jamming into my mouth and biting repeatedly. Thus I am thankful that my grandmother is doing her best to remedy this second complaint of mine.

"Ooh, which one should you get me?"

"I think I like that one."

"Yes, that one does look very nice."

"Will you please get it for me, Grandma? Thanks!"

4. I am thankful for all of you who read your favorite little monarch's blog posts.

"Daddy, do you not think that this picture is a little much to prove this point?"

I am often being told by many people that they read my writings. That is marvelous, but more of your fellow citizens of my kingdom must read my blog to avoid increased gift taxes. So spread the word!

What Toys Have Taught Me

My Mommy and Daddy and others as well given me many toys to use at my discretion, or, more appropriately, when I am aware of their existence. Toys have this nasty habit of disappearing beneath a seat or by my side or across the room and no longer existing. These toys, I am sure, are there to teach me about the world around me. So below I have created a list of lessons which I have learned from my toys. Many of these lessons are from the Jumperoo I detailed in my lest entry.

1. Monkeys and Hippos dwell in trees.

Why is that hippo so interesting, Daddy? Isn't that where they live?

2. Crocodiles make their homes in clear spinny thingies.

No matter how much I try to free this poor guy, he always stays inside this thing.

3. Turtles rattle, stars crinkle, and fish squeak when squeezed.

4. Dollies love to dance, sing, bounce, hop, shake, and snuggle...but only when Mommy, Daddy, or Grandma Little holds her....

Dolly, what is wrong? Why are you no longer dancing?

5. All things go in mouths.

Even this leaf was meant to go in my mouth, although it was in no way pleasant.

6. The best things in life have tags on the side to grab, none of them quite as tempting as the big white one with lettering on it.

Daddy said "Ellie, why is it that with all of those tags on there, you always grab the one that's not meant to be grabbed?" I just stared at him, not knowing what he was talking about.

7. Butterflies should be smashed with extreme prejudice.

DIE FILTHY INSECT!

8. Lions are hilarious. Luckily they come attached to butterflies. And mirrors. Don't even get me started on those.

9. If anything is ever dropped on the ground, a lesser human will pick it up for you.

10. Penguins should be thrown violently on the ground and stomped on. Repeatedly.

11. All things become infinitely more interesting when they are dangled above your head.

What? That is the same boring leaf that was on the ground a moment ago?

12. Owls are to be dismembered as quickly as possible.

I've looked this whole thing over, Daddy, and I don't see what is so "morbid" about it.

Disney on Ice

Mommy and Daddy took me to a wonderful place the other night, full of magic and wonder and children poking me in the eye called Disney on Ice, but before we could get there, we had to experience this thing called "cold". I pray that none of you ever have to experience such a thing. I thought I had felt it before after baths, or during swimming, but none of it was anything like this. It hurt my cute face and hands and I did not know how to make sense of it all. I laughed a few times to try to cover my discomfort, but I quickly felt how the cold was somehow taking control of my body and not allowing my face to react appropriately. My Daddy did all that he could to protect me from the cold, holding me close and bundling up my head and body. He even held my hands to make sure they stayed warm. Yet for some reason he failed to do anything about my beautiful face. I do not know why he did not cover that as well. If he had truly loved me, he would have covered my face with a blanket. Or taken the carriage right up to the door of the Place of Magic and Wonder instead of parking so far away. Mommy said something about getting exercise, which, from my few experiences with that word, means torturing yourself for no apparent reason.

It was all worth it when we arrived and I saw all of these other princesses. They were EVERYWHERE. It was fascinating, and I finally felt that I had found peers in this cold, classless world. I did wonder what regions of my kingdom, however, they had stewardship over, but I never got the chance to talk politics with any of them.

"I see my people, Daddy! How can you expect me to look at the camera when I see other princesses?

We met up with a few people I had met before: my first kiss, and his family. We all went into this cavernous room full of princesses and their families. I thought for sure it must be some sort of senate meeting, but it turned out that it was a wonderful pageant put on for the princesses. There was this large, white patch of ground where all of these people were able to walk and move even when they were not walking. They danced all over the place in quite a romantic way, especially when couples would dance and the man would fling the woman around like I fling my toys. And there were these lights that would go every which way. It was splendid and mesmerizing. 

"Oooh! Aaah!"

The only part that I did not enjoy was near the beginning, when this vehicle spat out sparks and made a loud noise. That was unnecessary, and I will be sure to contact the performers to let them know such. Besides that, I loved transferring my attention back and forth from the performance to My First Kiss and his sister. I actually held his hand briefly. We are taking things slow after that kiss.

First Kiss and me tried to play it cool when his sister got between us.

His sister, however, did not take it slowly when she poked me in the mouth and my eye. I am used to such attention.

My Parents Redeem Themselves from Halloween

During Halloween holiweek, my parents took me to see my cousin, Hendrick. He is hilarious, I laughed at him nearly constantly.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

He nearly tried to kiss me, but I turned away. I have heard from a show about regal people such as my self called "Downton Abbey," which my parents watch at times instead of watching me, that royals do occasionally marry their cousins. I apologize to the plethora of people of royal blood who I am sure are regular readers, but that is just too ridiculous for me to even consider.

"You are a handsome fellow, but I must look for a prince who is not related to me."

The best part of that visit, however, was when my parents allowed me to stand in this fascinating structure called a Jumperoo. It is delightful! It has far more toys than necessary and lets me stand like my parents. My cousin likes to jump in it, but I find that it is more pleasurable to utilize its ability to let me swing myself back and forth. Jumping is just not very princess-like.

"Hey Mommy! Can you go get me one of these? Thanks!"

My relatives were extremely selfish and refused my demands to take acquisition of their Jumperoo, so I left fairly distraught. Yet my parents, obviously feeling the guilt I let fester in their chest from dressing me like a hooligan for the Halloween holiweek, spoke with both sets of grandparents and they ordered me one. It is now my favorite toy, second only to Daddy's glasses and Mommy's hair. It just has so many things to discover, like an alligator in a spinny thing, lights that light up and bounce back and forth, and this monkey.

"Behold! The monkey! It tempts me so! There it dangles, close enough for me to reach, but not close enough to stick in my mouth." I believe I am quite the thespian. Pay special attention to the dramatic thrust out of my left hand. I deserve an award to chomp down on. 

The Horrors of Halloween

I have recently been introduced to this holiday which is called Halloween. I am positive that you do not know of such a holiday, as all of my readers are too high class for such a horrid affair. As  that is the case, I will do my best to explain this holiday to you. First of all, the term holiday is facetious as there is nothing less holy than this day. Everybody who is ill enough in their minds to participate in this despicable endeavor is forced to pretend to be something other than they are in order to scare each other. My parents were exceedingly proficient at frightening the world with our costumes which were somehow matching. My father dressed up as two things at once, an Italian and a plumber. I have not the foggiest clue what either of those things are, but I am offended for both of those classes of people for his portrayal of them. The only good thing about his costume was that he had this thing called a mustache. It's hilarious, you just have to see it. I laughed my diaper off (nearly literally). My mother was dressed as me. You can tell when I am especially dissatisfied with the service around here when I refer to my parental units as Mother and Father instead of my more colloquial Mommy and Daddy. They did not deserve these titles on the days we dressed up. Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that fact: This holiday does not just take place on one night, but multiple. It should, thus, be referred to as a holiweek and not a holiday. This meant that many people saw me in my costume, which I am mortified to even mention in such a classy medium as this one. Alright, here it is: I was dressed as a male, and not just any male, either. This particular male is named after some slimy beast, from what I can gather, and apparently goes galavanting around the countryside wearing nothing more than a diaper, a vest, and a red spotted beanie. You just have to see this horror to believe it.

You are kidding me, right? You are not truly taking me out in this, are you?

Parental units, I regret to inform you of this, but people can see us. I shall hide behind this vest.

You are legitimately expecting a smile out of me? That fact alone nearly makes me want to smile. Nearly.

These nincompoops took me out in public like that, and then pushed me around in a stroller outside. Mother stated she felt bad for not clothing me more. I was silent and let the guilt rip at their consciences like my fingernails on their skin when they have not been cut for a day or two.

As I stated earlier, they did this twice: once to a party that my father's work apparently put on, and once to a much smaller party. Both times were dismal.

Between those "party" days, we went to a person's house (they had a kitty, but it was much smaller than the ones I had grown to love) and then to something called a corn maze, or a place where I can be pushed around in a stroller in the dark for an hour over extremely bumpy ground. I showed my parents their mistake by projecting the former contents of my bottle all over my mother, after which they promptly took me home. Perhaps I should have attempted that tactic on my father at the Halloween "parties".

House of Helton Day 3: Of Temples and Gardens

We had a lazy morning the next morning. When we did eventually get out the door, we drove again (lots and lots of driving this entire vacation) to a temple so Daddy could get some pictures of the building. He also took a few pictures of me. What was really amazing about this part of the trip was that I discovered that when I am in a stroller, Mommy or Daddy are doing the pushing! I never knew! I thought it was like a carriage where it does it all by itself.

"Have you been there the whole time?"

We then went to these beautiful gardens to get family photos. It was quite regal. If I were to have the perfect place to live, I would like the castle we lived in for a few days, with a few less servants, and those gardens. A nice beach to sleep on would be appreciated as well.

I will look, and I will allow the wave, but I refuse to smile.

There is very little to report on about the next day as all we did was take a couple more flights. I had decided, however, that I had been far too kind and considerate to my parents and others up until this point and decided to vocalize my disgust with flights more vehemently, which they did not appreciate. I did calm down, but not until they had heard all that I had to say.

Since the return home, I have found myself quite happy making life just a little more difficult for my parents. Not terribly so, just enough to show that I am, after all, a baby, a concept I had not fully grasped until being surrounded by other babies.

House of Helton Day 2: Lions, Tigers, and Bearcats! Oh My!

The next day we went to a place where they had all sorts of interesting animals called a Conservator's Center. It was more delightful than a zoo, mostly because I was carried around and could see the animals and not pushed in a stroller. I liked the lions. Others seemed sort of scared of them, but I wasn't. Who would eat a princess? I must say, I was sort of jealous of their freedom to lay around on the ground while I had to be carried. The ground did not look comfortable, especially for animals as regal as the lions. I will talk to my parents about getting some cribs installed for those big kitties.

I'm working on my roar. Oh I just can't wait to be Queen.

We also saw tigers, which look much like lions but with a different clothing style, and bearcats, which looked like a mixture of the kitties at my Gates Grandparents' house and the doggies at Cari and James'. It is a weird combination. Daddy forgot his camera, his sole job besides carrying me, feeding me, and typing for me, so I made sure to deduct his daily wages of eye contact for that misdeed.

That night, more people visited Cari and James' house just to admire me.

House of Helton Day 1: Oh So THAT is a Doggy

The next day was the end of the Little Family Reunion, which I am positive was a sarcastic term, and we were again in the car for a ridiculous amount of time, only stopping for eating. But it was all okay when we arrived at my aunt and uncle's house. I have mentioned before that people have referenced an animal known as a dog to me, either in calling my teething rings chew toys, or in how I lap up my food from a spoon. Now I finally met these animals. From what I could tell, they were just toddlers in other forms. Yes, they were more hairy and more likely to lick me, but they seemed just as rambunctious and ecstatic to be, as my mother said before about the children, "All up in my business." Their names were Mattie and Lucy, and they loved to lick my fingers and my face. I would just laugh politely, as I knew that they meant well and just did not know the proper means by which they should show their Benevolent Monarch their love.

I closed my eyes, praying that I was the only thing that tongue had ever licked.

Cari and James were much more appropriate, snuggling me and arguing over who I loved more.

Not-So-Little Family Reunion Day 8: Since When Did You All Get Feet?

We took a bunch of family pictures on this day down by the beach. I was, of course, adorable, and my family did a great job in supporting me in my cuteness.

Me flying. Oh, I guess Daddy's in the shot, too.

Besides that, everybody just relaxed and enjoyed my presence.
This was the last full day of the reunion, but I must say I did a very good job of never being anything other than a gracious guest in this home of a zillion people. It was very nice, however, having that many servants in our castle. I've tried to convince Mommy and Daddy that we need that many people in our castle (which, in comparison, appears to be more of a dungeon).

I did my best to not become a crabby butt in any other way than my jammies.

I also discovered this day (or maybe it was another day...I don't know, I just can't think of anything else to talk about this day so I might as well stick this here) that I am not the only person with feet. I have been fascinated with my feet for months, but now there are more feet than mine in this world that I can stare at and grab and tickle. Below is one of the first moments where I noticed this.

For all of you who are unable to speak the language of Princess, this is what I am saying in the video:
"Uh...Uuuuuuhhh...uuuhhh...aaahhh...AAAAHHH?!"
I apologize for my blatant lack of eloquence, I was just speechless. Especially when they flew apart. WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT??

Not-So-Little Family Reunion Day 7: Mermaid Princess

Mommy and Daddy left me with the grandparents to go on a date doing something called "Putt Putt Golf." Usually they take me on their dates. Why in the world would they want to go on a date without me? Silly parents, don't they realize I'm the life of the party on all of their dates? 
And finally, on my third day of trying, I mastered swimming. I truly am a little mermaid now.

Look at me, floating on my back all by myself!

Look! I can splash Daddy without sitting on a ledge!

See, Mommy, this is how you splash somebody in the face and get away with it.

Daddy said that some people do not know how to swim. Now that I am an expert, I have taken it upon myself to teach you how it is done. You're welcome.

1. Let somebody else do all of the work for you. This is my secret behind all that I do. Why sit up, walk, or do anything else if somebody else does it for you? I only roll over and hold up my neck because I got sick of trying to get others to do it for me exactly when I wanted them to do it. Now, the thing to remember about this is that when somebody is assisting you, you can still say that you are doing it all by yourself. I swam all by myself. I also sit up, stand, type this blog, and fly all by myself. I am just that talented of a princess.

2. Thank the person that is working for you by splashing water as much as possible. This, I am sure, helps in the process, and as these weirdos drink water anyway, I am sure that they appreciate it. I have since attempted drinking water, and few things are more deplorable. Besides peas.

3. The swimming maneuver that brings the most praise is kicking in something called "froggy kick," a move at which I excel, and always have.

4. The best way to prank the person who is assisting you is by dropping your face down into the water. Try it out, their reaction is priceless.

That night, they played a game called Reverse Charades. As far as I can tell, the purpose of the game is to have one person yelling at a group of people doing ridiculous things and see who looks the most absurd. It was quite nice for everyone to act the part of court jester that night.

Not-So-Little Family Reunion Day 6: BatPrincess

The next day I got my very own crown to wear for a little while. For some reason, however, all of the other girls did, too. I believe it must be because they were wishing they could be me. I can understand that, but I was still confused in the moment.

"Hey, why is she wearing one, too?"

I got into the pool for a second time, and was again quite wary until Daddy put me onto the step. I was more used to it, but still confused.

The adults and older children had a quite a jovial and raucous time that evening humiliating themselves with games.

So I must admit something. While I am a princess by day, I am also a vigilante superhero by night. Shh, don't tell anyone. They had this activity called a talent show. Very few of the performances were related to talent, such as my father showing off his horrifying falsetto and two men wearing tight pants and dancing, but others showed some considerable talent. For example, one of my cousins played a musical instrument, one of my great uncles twisted balloons into interesting shapes, and my performance. Me, along with one of my adoring fans and my father, all dressed up as BatPeople and beat up an uncle of mine who was laughing in a really deep and scary way. He deserved it, just for that. And for wearing the tight pants later. Few things are more villainous...

Of course, the crowd loved me.