Filing Verbal Complaints - Ada

Filing verbal complaints - or "crying", as Mommy and Daddy uncouthly entitle it - is an art form with which none should trifle. It is a means of expression so precise that I have not heard another practice it so precisely. There are only a few instances in which it must be used, and they are as follows:

1. When Hungry: This allows my caretakers to know when sustenance is required. The crying does not cease until either the life-giving liquid is placed within my mouth, or the sound of rushing water (a forerunner to every meal) lulls me into a gentle slumber. If this occurs, assume not that I wish to be awoken to eat.

2. When Gassy: I recognize this is a boorish matter to discuss, yet I must state that it is requisite to voice concerns when one's bowels fill with gas. Verbal complaints assist in the process as they announce the arrival of each release. While there is nothing that can be done in the moment to relieve the distress, it is best to make all others suffer as much as possible until the process is complete.

3. When Tired: I become quite upset when tired, as I wish to be both asleep and awake at once. Mommy and Daddy do not do as I wish and allow both to be possible. Instead, they sway me, bounce me, and stick objects in my mouth to comfort me. While I appreciate the effort, it does not immediately make it possible for me to nap and play simultaneously, and is thus, often, met with more complaints.

4. When My Bum is Sore: This most often is in relation to bowel movements, and leads into number five, which is...

5. When I am Cold: I know not the meaning of these caretakers' insistence on removing my clothes and wiping my buttocks periodically. It makes me cold and results in me being held in an uncomfortable position. I have thus made it a point to hold many bowel movements and urinary releases until after my undergarments have been removed, thus spiting them for their incompetence.

6. When I Cannot Think of Anything about Which I May Complain: It is exceedingly distressing to realize that all is well and that there is nothing about which I shall voice displeasure. Speaking vociferously regarding this quandary has brought few results. Therefore, I have found it better to cease this reason for screeching and reduced my list to the previous five.

"I am only smiling, Mommy, because I just discovered a new octave I can reach while screaming."

"I wonder what I shall cry about next..."