The Parents Strike Back

So, in my last entry, I detailed how I meticulously tamper with the lives of my parents solely for my own entertainment. This may have seemed cruel, and unladylike, but I can assure you that they started the sadistic cycle. I have mentioned some of the things that they do in the past, such as mocking my complaints, but there are some others I feel you need to be caught up on in order to fully understand the suffering I endure at the hands of these loving maniacs.

1. The singing

When I begin to list my complaints from the backseat of the carriage, my parents attempt to assuage my discomfort by singing. I always fall silent when they do so, and they foolishly believe they have succeeded in making me content once more. On the contrary, their singing simply frightens me into silence. They not only sing then, but other times in the carriage as well, and it is always unsettling, especially since there is the possibility that others may hear them. Have they no shame? They sing in unison at times, but then they start on these duets, where Daddy sings the boy part and Mommy sings the girl. These are so ridiculously cheesy that I can barely stand it. But that is not the worst part. They sometimes switch parts, or just sing unison on a high pitched song. Daddy seems to think it's hilarious to sing falsetto. He will even do this in Church to sing unison with Mommy's part. He thinks he's being quiet so nobody can hear. I can hear, Daddy, and you're not only embarrassing me but yourself as well.

They also sing to me before I go to bed, but I figure we are safe inside of our home so I allow myself to smile politely at the beautiful words and horrible singing.

2. The kissing.

The fact that they kiss each other at any chance they get is demeaning enough, but then they have to nearly constantly feel the desire to kiss me on the cheek, the head, the nose, the forehead, the eyeball? I give them very obvious signs that I am not interested in all of those physical signs of affection, just as I am uninterested in the cuddling, but they just keep on trying.

3. Speaking back to me or for me

Mommy often does this thing where I will be giving quite the eloquent monologue and she will say things like "I know, honey," or "And then what happened?" First of all, if you knew, why would I be telling you? And when I am telling a story, let us face it: you are always with me. You know what happened next! I am simply putting it in my own words, and would appreciate to not be interrupted.

Then there are other times where they just repeat what I say, attempting to speak for me. I can speak for myself, thank you very much, and you saying exactly what I said proves that you know what I said the first time. So stop pretending to not know what "agoooaahhoogrr" means.

4. Turning me away from the magic box

This is actually a good portion of the reason why I learned to roll. They can't tell me when it is "developmentally appropriate" to watch television! I am a princess, and I deserve to be able to see that bright, colorful screen with all of its swirling shapes and funny noises.

5. Blowing on my belly

Daddy, and Mommy at times, too, do this thing where they put their mouths on my belly, and, as if that wasn't weird enough, blow so that my belly makes an unflattering flatulence noise. I really have no clue how I can get these people to understand the concept of "princess".

6. Eating in front of me

I know I cannot feed myself, so why do you tyrants have to rub it in my face?

7. Mock me with their superior head control

They make it look like it is easy.

8. They removed my mirror from my crib

Just when I figured out how to look at it, too.

9. Tell me how cute I am when I am crying

I know I'm adorable. That is just not the time to tell me.

10. Transcribe this diary without allowing me to do the typing

I could totally type this myself, see?  xxxxxxxxxxxxxjfbxchbbbbbbbbbbbdddddddddddddddce 

Love, your embarrassed monarch,

Princess Ellie