How to Eat Like a Princess

While I know that I am a newcomer to this whole eating craze, I must say that I believe I have mastered it. I mean this in relation to drinking from a bottle and eating the viscous liquids off of spoons which are mislabeled as solids.

Drinking

I used to do this incorrectly. Even before I came to the realization that those larger than me expected me to reach out, grab, and hold things, I would position my fists beneath the bottle and attempt to help in the process. This was a mistake, and I know that now that I have the full capability to hold the bottle for my parents. The real way to enjoy formula is to do it dramatically. I have a few basic means by which I accomplish this endeavor.

1. Throw the back of my hands over my eyes. This shows how I am just too exhausted to hold the bottle myself, and proves to whomever it may be that is feeding me that they must do all of the work for me. It is quite effective, and they have not tried to force me to hold the bottle in awhile.

2. Act as if I am singing a fiercely dramatic ballad. This requires a concentrated face, or closed eyes, but the most important factor is what I am doing with my hand. I reach out beyond the bottle with my fingers wide as if to grab something, such as a lost love or my future dreams, close it into a fist, and bring it back to my chest. I do this repeatedly. This proves my inability to hold the bottle as I am too busy practicing for my future career as a pop singer.

3. Pretend to have an emotional breakdown by crying, wiggling, screaming, fussing, and kicking in the middle of the bottle. Obviously, I am too distraught to be bothered with something as trivial as holding a bottle. This one backfires at times as they believe I no longer want to eat. No no, people, that will never be a problem: it can safely be assumed that I want to eat.

4. Smile and talk. I'm too cute to work.

Eating

This is just one of many places where I believe I have fully outsmarted all of my subjects and even the Royal Family. They - and I am sure you do as well - falsely believe the best means by which to eat off of a spoon is to just grab spoon and shove it into their mouths like some sort of animal or barbarian. This is not correct. Do not worry, I did not know that it was incorrect either, as I had always stared intently at their way of eating and assumed it was correct. No no, the real way to eat from a spoon is to lift it up to your lips - or, if you are a princess such as myself (which I doubt you are, no offense) have somebody else lift it to your lips - and then take the food the rest of the way with your tongue. Mommy says that I am lapping it up like a dog. Again, I do not know what a dog is, but I do believe them to be very regal individuals and that we would get along.

The hardest part of this endeavor is training the person who is feeding you to do this. If you are facing this problem as well, simply keep your mouth clamped shut. When they bring the food next to your mouth, attempting to jam it in through your lips, stick out your tongue and retrieve some of the (hopefully) delectable morsels. But if food is shoveled unceremoniously into your mouth, push it back out with your tongue. Do not worry about the mess, any good servant or parent will clean it up for you. Don't forget to fight them when they do attempt to clean up, it makes it more of a challenge for them, and servants/parents love a little extra challenge in their lives.

Love,

Princess Ellie