Food Report

I have been watching the royal family members and other loyal subjects create and ingest food since I was very small with rapt attention. I always stared and wondered how delicious their delicacies were, as my parents appeared to thoroughly enjoy all that they ate almost as much as they enjoyed my presence. Almost. But my first attempt with eating food besides the Formula of Happiness nearly turned me away from the whole endeavor. The royal family gathered around me after having spoken about this joyous moment all of the previous day and placed in front of me my very own bowl and began to ladle into my mouth some inedible looking orange goo. I was frightened by its appearance but knew from all that I had seen and heard from my family that this would be a moment to be cherished in the annals of history. I opened my mouth wide and accepted the morsel onto my tongue...it was revolting. They laughed. The sadists. I know for sure that whatever it is that they attempted to cram down my gullet is not at all close to the cuisine they feast upon. I know it sounds harsh to say that they tried to "cram it down my gullet," but that is quite literally what happened. I allowed a few more mouthfuls, showing vividly my dislike of the horrible substance, but when it became clear that they were not about to stop by facial complaints alone, I closed my jaw, barricading my mouth with a fierceness that not even the battering ram of a spoon could pass. I even attempted to utilize my previously stated theory of my limbs impacting what happens with my mouth and batted the spoon out of my mother's, the Queen's, hand. But she just kept on trying. Sadistic or not, she is persistent. The King (for this post, I will refer to them by their titles, as they seem to be undeserving of the parental titles for their blasphemous deeds against their princess) did nothing to relieve my distress, and documented the entire ordeal through photographs, and even wrangled my otherwise perfect Little grandmother into recording it through means of video. It was altogether a disturbing experience.

But then I had some again later and it was grand. This was different than the last time. Mother theorizes it is because she mixed it with delicious rice cereal and Formula of Happiness and the sauce of apples and sweet potatoes (again, the species of adults deem it fit to utilize irony in their naming of things, including foods, as these sweet potatoes were not half as sweet as the droplets of goodness my mother and grandmother put on their fingers and into my mouth after visits to ice cream parlors), while my daddy thinks it might be because it was after a bottle the first time and I like it better before a bottle. They are both incorrect. The first food was just gross. That is all. Now I open my mouth wide for any substance they believe necessary for me to eat, and it is all delicious. I do not know why they were holding back for four months. I was ready long before that hack they took me to a few days ago said so. They never listen to me.

Now that I have conquered food for two whole days, I believe I am now ready for the dark brown substance known as chocolate to which they often refer, revere, and sneak into their mouths with pleasure when the other is not looking. I will request this tomorrow, and accept nothing other than their full obedience. I am a princess, and I have spoken.

Love,
Princess Ellie

Post Script: It has come to my attention that, at times, when I reach for my feet, the world tilts onto one side. This is odd, and I do not know how to remedy it. Sometimes I do not notice until I have become distracted from my feet, but it always results in me needing help from the elder members of the Royal Family. They are so wise at times. If only that would last to the moments I need it most, like when I cry out for chocolate. In an attempt to practice demanding chocolate, tonight I demanded some intermittently at a conference about food, specifically steak. Nobody took my demands seriously. Figures. There will be another conference tomorrow, hopefully on chocolate, and I will attempt my feat once more there. One day, the world will learn to listen to its princess or else feel the wrath of my grumpy face.